This site is mostly for sports and it will be but I am guilty for loving the Bachelorette. I think it is one of the more pathetic things in this world. I love how 20 some odd people from the opposite sex fight over one person, in this case it is 20 some odd dudes going after one girl. What could possibly go wrong? For those of you who are in successful long term relationships and for those who are married know the key to dating is sharing a girl with other guys who you happen to live with. We all know it is totally ok to go on maybe a few dates with a girl and some of them are with a few other guys and while you are awkwardly sipping on your vodka soda she is making out with some dude who is an aspiring gymnast who is also somehow studying to be a lawyer.
Oh and after those few dates of her making out with almost every guy on the show and sleeping with a few of them you get on one knee to ask for her hand in marriage. This is a total key for success, just ask any member of the military who just graduated boot camp and he will totally agree with you on this statement.
The first episode is probably my favorite episode because you get to watch guys go to end of the earth to impress a girl and most of them fall flat on there face. So buckle your seat belts while I break down the first episode.
This episode was a god damn rollar coaster. You had a guy with a doll, marching band, a guy with a vacuum, and some guy who rides or dies with his catch phrase. So much went on this episode I am just going to highlight some things that caught my eye
BRYAN- First Kiss, Rose, and the guy she tells you not to worry about
The big event that happens in this episode is people fighting for attention and trying to get the first impression rose which usually ends up being the guy who also gets the first kiss. Blake came in hot, being a chiropractor from Miami who also speaks fluent Spanish. Blake is the guy that your girl tells you not to worry about. Free life hack for all you guys, if your girl comes home from work telling you about a tall, dark guy, who speaks fluent Spanish and also is a chiropractor just pack up your stuff and leave. Make sure you get everything that is yours back from her, give her stuff back and just let your buddy know you are going to have to stay on his couch for a little bit until you get your shit back together because if you run into this guy odds are you are probably going to lose. Is it fair? hell no but it is just the way the cookie crumbles. I have Blake finishing second to Anthony but after tonight I am questioning my decision as I wish I put him as the winner because he is going to be tough to beat. But to sum it up Blake is the ultimate winner tonight because he got the rose, the first kiss and in a room full of guys that have egos the size of Texas, in which he probably crushed some of there egos.
The Butt-hurt gets real off the bat
It shocks me every time whether it is the Bachelor or the Bachelorette how butt hurt everyone gets. When you have the first impressions naturally guys are going to do whatever we can to stand out. Then whenever someone does something crazy hoping to capture, in this case Rachels, eye people get all butt hurt like they forgot they were competing against a house full of dudes for one girl. Then when Rachel walks in and it is time for cocktail hour guys get extremely butt hurt that they don’t get all the time in the world. Well no shit dude there is like 30 guys trying to do the same exact thing you are doing. I also love when the guys get mad at the guy who grabs her first. That move takes extreme balls, don’t get all pissy because some dude had bigger balls than you. I understand this is tough to accept and a little awkward at first, shit being out with one of your buddies and you are both trying to talk to the same girl is hard enough, but this is what you signed up for so suck it up.
Fred- poor guy
I actually have this guy getting pretty far in the show. I have him getting far enough for when he gets eliminated he will have no problems finding a girl to help him get over Rachel. But, this guy I kinda actually feel for, in my opinion this guy has no chance because Rachel sees him as just this piece of shit third grader. No guy wants to be remembered as the piece of shit kid he once was in third grade. Although, Fred probably should have gone a different route than pulling out his old elementary school year book as his way of making a first impression. Think about the effort he must have gone through to find that year book. My guess is, it was probably at his moms house and he dug it out of some box in the garage and figured this would be some cute way to break the ice. Instead, she probably thought a multitude of things like why does he still have that year book, I looked terrible in eighth grade, those braces were not a good look, and I fucking hated you back then because you wouldn’t eat your carrot sticks. This guy stands no legit chance of winning, but like I said he will be on long enough to be well known and maybe make some appearances at some clubs around the country and he can find someone to heal his wounds. So maybe I don’t really feel for this guy. Actually, fuck this guy
Mohit- Come ready to play
This guy… I don’t know if I feel sorry for the guy or to just rip him to shreds because he did not eat his Wheaties that morning. You guys may have missed this guy but he may have put on the worst performance in Bachelorette history. This guy got his first impression when he said hi to her but then was too scared to go and talk to the girl. I understand being in a room full of guys with “high-end” jobs, overpriced suits can be intimidating, but you signed up for this and you probably had weeks or months to prepare how you were going to attack this situation and you totally fumbled the snap. This performance was so bad the other guys were trying to help him out. In an atmosphere where guys are trying to one up each other, some guys felt so bad for the guy they were begging for him to go talk to her. My favorite stunt Mohit pulled was when Rachel and Bryan were talking after Bryan just won the first impression rose, Mohit akwardly stood in the background and watched like the freshman stalking the cheerleader captain talking to her boyfriend who is also the football team captain. Then this loser (yes he has done enough to be called a loser) while Rachel and Bryan are making out this guy yells NOOOOOOO!!! like he had a fucking chance. Mohit, sorry bro you had to come ready to play but instead you couldn’t even make it out of the tunnel for the pre-game warm up.
Lee- The only hope for short guys
As a short guy, I am sick and tired of us being over looked (pun intended). When Lee walked out of the limo with his guitar and it said he was a singer I immediately hated the guy. Because, who doesn’t hate the guy that walks around with a guitar? Then I realized this guy is the only hope for us short people in this world. If Lee can somehow pull this thing out maybe there can be some trendy short guy phase women go through, like that stupid Dad bod phase, because of this I am going to be rooting hard for Lee because this show is made up of primarily tall guys and I for one am sick of it. Judging by the previews this guy also causes some drama which I am all for.
Blake K- The Douche?
This guy might have the biggest ego in the world, I had trouble breathing watching this episode because his ego was floating through my computer screen. This guy starts off the season talking about how good he is in bed, which could play to his benefit, but nothing says “I’m modest” like talking about how good I am in bed. For the record that was complete sarcasm. Then this guy shows up with a full blown marching band with him playing the drums like he is Nick Cannon from the movie Drumline. First off, what a career to claim saying you are an aspiring drummer. I am half tempted to go on this show and dribble a basketball through my legs and say I am an aspiring basketball player. Also, anyone find it ironic the guy who shows up with a marching band is also the guy bragging about how good he is at sex? I wonder where he learned it? That was an American Pie reference for all you people that haven’t lived yet. Then Blake is already becoming the guy calling people out for not being there for the right reasons. I am going to go out on a limb here and say Blake is trying to get his drumming career started up and what better way than to douche it up on a reality TV series. By the way for the record, for the rest of time Blake is on this show and I mention his name in these blogs this is how I am saying his name while writing.. Fast forward to the 1 minute mark.
Milton- WHY ARE YOU CRYING???
After the last season of the Bachelor I can’t deal with guys crying for no reason. Nick seemed to cry at least once every episode, he was so bad I have anointed him worst dude EVER!!!!!! Milton after introducing himself, talking to her for a few minutes and watching her talk to 20 something dudes felt the need to cry after not getting a rose. This is the equivalent to the guy crying when the bar closes because the girl he was buying drinks for left by her self. This guy is a total bitch and crying after the first episode deserves no other label. Come on dude.
Lucas- Whaboom guy
This guy is a god damn electric factory! I love this guy, I love him as much as the blind horse I bet on to win the Kentucky Derby a few weeks ago. By some off chance this guy wins and I didn’t pick him to win I will never forgive myself. This guy not only has the balls to show up with a megaphone and obnoxiously use it around a group of tight asses, not only has the balls to show up in a suit where his shirt is a sleeveless whaboom shirt in a room full of guys wearing overpriced suits, this guy walks up to a pretty girl and does this act where he yells whaboom and walks away like life is normal. I for one fucking love this guy. You can’t fake this stuff, if you have saying where you are willing to yell it from the mountain tops and you don’t care what people think about you you are as real as it gets. When he was being called out by Blake for how he was acting and he responded saying “I think we all have a little whaboom in us” I jumped out of my seat like the Browns just scored the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. Ladies, if you want a guy who is willing to go all in on a relationship and is willing to put it all on the line this is your man. If this guy is willing to go all out for his saying, and to him it isn’t just a saying to him it is clearly a way of life. I don’t see why he wouldn’t go all in on a relationship. This guy is a true cinderella story and I for one am hoping on the train and riding it till the end. Go whaboom guy!
Just so I can put this on paper I have Anthony winning it all, I have no reason he just seems like a guy who could win this thing. All I hope is we get some drama of guys arguing and acting like they aren’t on a reality TV show where the girl makes out with all the guys in the house. I want to see some blood shed and I want lots of good laughs and some good material to make fun of Chris Harrison. I will be writing a blog on every episode so stay tuned, because this is the best Bachelorette coverage you can get.