Hold On Jim Kong

Per the Daily Mail US.

US officials are concerned that a North Korean missile test launch will take place today.

Government sources in South Korea told the Yonhap News Agency that transporter erector launchers carrying ICBM launch tubes in North Pyongan province have been moved by North Korea.

Speaking anonymously, a US defense official said if a test was to go ahead it would be of either an intermediate-range missile or North Korea’s ICBM – known as a KN-20 or a Hwasong-14, and would take place ‘probably’ today as North Korea celebrates Victory Day – the 64th anniversary of the signing of the Korean Armistice Agreement

Experts assessed it could have put Alaska in range, bringing Pyongyang’s long-held dream of a missile that can deliver an atomic warhead to the United States within reach. 

A South Korean government source told Yonhap: ‘Movements by transporter erector launchers carrying intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) launch tubes have been continuously observed in North Pyongan.

‘There is a high possibility that the North may carry out (the test launch) around the July 27 armistice day.’

A second US defense official confirmed the fears, adding: ‘They’re setting up for something.’ 

If the launch goes ahead, it would be the second time Pyongyang has tested an ICBM after its July 4 rocket launch. 

State-run news agency Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported a threat to strike the US on Tuesday in response to comments CIA Director Mike Pompeo made last week. 

He said Trump’s administration needs to find a way to separate the country’s Supreme Leader from their nuclear weapons, CNN reported. 

Pompeo said: ‘As for the regime, I am hopeful we will find a way to separate that regime from this system.

‘The North Korean people I’m sure are lovely people and would love to see him go.’ 

Though he did not say that the administration was actually working on that, KCNA said the comments are ‘over the line’. 

 ‘It has now become clear that the ultimate aim of the Trump Administration… is the regime change,’ the agency added.

According to KCNA, a North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesperson said: ‘The DPRK legally stipulates that if the supreme dignity of the DPRK is threatened, it must preemptively annihilate those countries and entities that are directly or indirectly involved in it, by mobilizing all kinds of strike means including the nuclear ones.

‘Should the US dare to show even the slightest sign of attempt to remove our supreme leadership, we will strike a merciless blow at the heart of the US with our powerful nuclear hammer, honed and hardened over time.’

The report comes as US officials are saying North Korea could be capable of launching a nuclear attack on other continents within just one year. 

Independent experts said today that the missile that was launched by Kim on July 4 isn’t capable of carrying a nuclear payload across the Pacific – but that may not hold for long, officials told The Washington Post.

The Pentagon’s Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) says that North Korea is on track to build a nuclear-equipped intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM) within the next year, shaving two years off the previous projections. 

Both the DIA and the Office of the Director of National Intelligence (ODNI) declined to respond to the Washington Post about the classified assessments.

However, the ODNI’s national intelligende manager for East Asia, Scott Bray, did say that the July 4 launch was ‘one of the milestones that we have expected would help refine our timeline and judgments.’

‘This test, and its impact on our assessments, highlight the threat that North Korea’s nuclear and ballistic missile programs pose to the United States, to our allies in the region, and to the whole world,’ he added. 

‘The intelligence community is closely monitoring the expanding threat from North Korea.’

Ok, so as you read the article despite the  most deceiving headline ever!

Yeah, Kim Jong Un who will now be referred to as Jim Kong (crediting Barstool Heartland for that name) is not the brightest guy out there and probably shouldn’t be messing with nuclear bombs.  But we knew that already.

My first thought when I read that headline, which was followed by laughter, was “Fuck no football season is too close”.

I don’t know what would be worse; No football season at all or a nuclear bomb that takes out multiple cities in the United States.

Taking out multiple cities would suck but not having a football season would literally kill me.

So, I am here today to give Jim Kong some advice and maybe meet halfway.  If Jim Kong wants to bomb us go for it I guess (even though this thing is probably going to end up in the Sea of Japan) but lets agree on a time frame of when we should do it.

Today I will give Jim Kong the best times of years to bomb us.


I would prefer it to be a couple weeks before Christmas.  Like December 15th.

Every year you go through the same traditions.  You listen to the same songs you’ve listened to every year since you were a kid.

If you are in a relationship or married you have to buy your significant other a gift with money you most likely don’t have.  Think of all the money you would save because you don’t have to by gifts.

If you are single you no longer have to walk around; all the malls, restaurants, movie theaters, or where ever couples go for the holidays, a lone and you are dodging all the couples, like you are a NFL running back just to get from point A to point B.

You also don’t have to call your Mom to ask for money to get your Dad a present and you don’t have to call your Dad for money to get your Mom a present.  Also, you don’t have to explain to your siblings why you gave them a $10 gift card to some department store for the third year in a row.

I know what you are thinking, “But Will we would miss the playoffs” I know that would suck, but for most fan bases in the NFL know their season is over anyway.  Now you don’t have to watch your teams arch rival make a deep run into the playoffs.

This isn’t the most ideal because some people for whatever reason like Christmas, and everyone enjoys the playoffs but at least you got some football.

Has your team ever been knocked out of the playoffs by week 10?  It sucks watching your team in December.  Half your team is rookies or guys that are just trying not to get hurt.  Your home stadium is half empty and the other half is filled with opposing teams fans.  IT SUCKS!  The world ending by Kim Jong would avoid all of this.

After the NBA Regular Season

Listen, I love the NBA and despite how bad the playoffs have been the past couple years I still enjoy them and watch whatever game is on.

But, I would rather die than watch the Warriors win another NBA title.  Can you imagine a world where Swaggy P is an NBA champion, and JaVale McGee is a two time NBA champion?  Just right there is a reason to end the world.

We don’t have to go through a boring NBA playoffs where the Warriors boat race everyone and we don’t have to hear FS1 argue Lebrons legacy.

I would say we don’t have watch the Cavs dominate the East, but we don’t know how that is gonna go…. Thanks Kyrie

To sum it up we eliminate Warriors fans (who were Lakers fans 10 years ago), a boring NBA playoffs, and the dead time of summer where only baseball is on.

The Day After the Super Bowl

The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday anyway.  It is celebrated more than any other holiday anyway.  We all gather at someones house, drink a bunch of beer, eat lots of food, and celebrate the last minutes of the football season.

I am almost certain that absolutely no work gets done on this day.  Everyone is tired from their Super Bowl party, everyone is talking about the result of the Super Bowl, people are traveling from the actual game, and people are depressed because football season is over.

This would be a great time for Jim Kong to end the world.  Because, you don’t have to go to work the next day.  We can finally have that day off we have always been asking for.

Doing it on the day after the Super Bowl means we don’t have to go through the rest of the NBA season where we argue about what Lebrons tweets mean.  We don’t have to listen to sports talk shows scramble for hot takes, don’t have to watch the Warriors win another title, and we don’t have to go through the time where only baseball is on TV.

Odds are this bomb is just going to land 40 miles off the coast of Japan, because Kim Jong failing is more of a tradition than the Masters.

But if he is going to do it please let us get through football season we have been waiting too long.  I have invested too much time in researching the Week 1 lines, scouting for my fantasy team, thinking about the foods I am going to eat, and praying that the Browns win more than one game.  If you think about it if he is going to end us this close to the season, all the breathing I have been doing since the Super Bowl has been pointless.

Just let us have football Jim Kong.  Don’t be an asshole.



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